Today me and the beasties went to a wedding. It was a beautiful, small country wedding on a creek. I love weddings and this one was my best friend's younger sister so it was extra special. It was lovely to see a young woman I had know since birth marry someone she obviously adores. There were so many people there that had know me since I was a babe. It was delicious and so grounding.
In my daily life as Queenpin I sometimes take a moment to stop and to take those three cleansing breaths Pema Chodron has taught me to take. I often find when I do this that my feet are off the ground. I am going through the motions of life not being mindful of myself or the tasks at hand. While keeping track of kids, house, dog, school, work, I am so unaware of so much, especially myself.
After being the boss, conducting deals, and making sure his network wasn't going to hell, don't you think that Don Corleone was a little frazzled and lost at the end of the day? I think he was grounded by good Italian food, but I'm on a cooking strike so that won't work for me.
Today at this wedding, I felt so aware, so firmly planted, and so happy. Being around people who had known me for so long kept me planted. They knew me when I was so wild and lost, and so sweet and young. They see me as I was then and as I am today.
For me, part of the challenge of being a mom has been realizing that me and my children are completely separate beings. My wasband and I made these kids while we were in love and I formed their sweet bodies in my body for 10 months. I am still myself and they are themselves, but I have to take into consideration how my every action affects them. Sometimes I feel lost. Who am I now? Who am I when I have to make different choices these days because of motherhood? Who am I whose husband left? Am I good enough as I am? Am I a sinner or a saint? Am I a mother or a single woman?
As a woman I can see what a strong sense of self I had growing up, but at the time I always felt I was searching for myself. In the past few years I heard the George Bernard Shaw quote, "Life isn't about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself." These days I get confused because I am creating myself, but also trying to be a big part of creating who my kids are. Who am I gets lost in my desire to help them figure out who they are.
At the wedding I was with my kids just enjoying them and the day. I was held down by roots and memories. I was reminded of who the Queenpin is. I am a fierce, sassy mama, with blues in my soul, and love for laughter. I am a singer, a poet, and a bit of a mess. I am creating myself, but I am also already a creation. I can stand alone and I do it everyday.