Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The Most Skiddish Little Buddhist Down in Texas

Well, I'm not actually in Texas, but I am truly skiddish.
I am wrapped up in it. I can't figure out how to shake it. One of my classmates in graduate school actually suggested to me I begin smoking pot, but that doesn't seem like the solution. I mean I am the only person over the age of seven (excluding the 16 year old 3 legged pooch) in my household. That just doesn't seem Queenpin to me. I mean isn't that what did the guy in in Goodfellas? A mobster on the fast track, possibly next in line for the Kingpin role and it all goes to hell because of drugs. No, pot is not the answer. Plus, I don't need help with laughter, just the fear that comes with a good laugh. Oh shit, I may pee in my pants, and the 'ole brain goes straight to, "Is that a sign I have kidney cancer? Because that's how my dad died."

From my meager Buddhist studies I get that fear is attachment, to ego, to people, to things, to permanence. That's the thing about fear, you get in your head that the fear is not real, yet your body reacts anyway; sweats, racing thoughts, heat rate through the friggin' roof. Even though I know that my shady neighbors two houses down don't even know who I am, I still set the alarm every night on my 900 square foot house because when night falls and silence hits I'm sure they want to murder me in my bed.

I used to be brave, I promise. Stupidly bold, rash, and daring, but these days I can't walk by a yard with a dog without envisioning it jumping on my face. Is is over attachment to my face? No, just this life I guess.

I know that meditation would help this. Been there, done that. But for some reason I can't meditate these days. I was hoping for the simpler solution which of course is just the change of the T for a C. I went to the doctor requesting mediCation. That went over like a ton of Valium at an AA meeting, when on the first day of popping the pills I realized I had no verbal filter and actually told my classroom of first and second graders that they needed a whoopin'. Queenpin Mama's really have to watch what they say.

Thank goodness I have this nice nurturing part of me that says, "Go easy, Baby. This is where your life is right now. You won't always be afraid. Just let this be." So I guess that's it. Accepting again that at this moment I am afraid. When I publish this post, I'll shut down my computer and sleep with the lights on. I'm staying in an old, old house this week and I'm sure there are ghosts just waiting to spook me.

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