The Queenpin is sick. The Queenpin aches and wants to take a pain killer, but when you're a Queenpin, it is hard to take the day off. When Don Corleoni is shot and has to lay low for awhile his whole organization goes to hell. He has to meet with all the bosses to restore peace. I just can't have that happen so I put off the pain killer and let my kids watch a little more t.v.
Kidney stones that is what has got me down. Day nine of kidney pain and I am sick of it. In Chinese Medicine there's this whole interesting link to fear and the kidneys. I am hoping by passing these stones (will they ever pass?) that I am passing on my fear, that I am letting it go where it belongs, the dark and dank sewers. Perfect place for boogie men and random accidents.
I am lucky my support system is so much better than Don Corleoni's. No one is going to fly off the handle and shoot someone unless it is with a Nerf gun. Yesterday my luscious neighbor sent over pancake batter for breakfast. She offered to take my kids for breakfast, but I wanted to feed my little beasties. I had just been out of town for 6 days.
Mid-day my mom took the kids for three hours and I made myself lay in the bed. No movies, no cleaning, no reading, no studying, just rest. Okay I did get up and do some laundry, but give me a break. Three hours of resting, it was freaking me out.
Isn't it funny that mama's are so good at caring for others and so bad at caring for ourselves? How does a Queenpin rest? How does a Queenpin say I need you to take care of me for a bit? Even though I feel like hell, I don't want to spend my day grumpy and bed ridden. I used to think that not being able to rest and take care of yourself was a burden of motherhood, but now I see it as a choice.
I choose to push myself. I choose to get up and get things done. I choose to find ways to laugh and be close to my kids, even when the thought of them touching anywhere on my torso makes me want to scream. The other day this therapist said to me, "How about caring for yourself by having someone watch your kids while you just take a whole day to cry?" Are you f*cking kidding me? What a waste of a perfectly great day! Not that I'm an anti-crier, I should probably do it more, but why would I cry for a whole day? Just seems like a waste of tears and time. It also seems completely and ridiculously self-indulgent. My life is too delicious to cry over.
This weeks illness is teaching me balance for self care. I ask for help if I need it, and I keep moving on but in a slower pace. My organization will not fall to pieces if I'm laying low, but if I'm not here who will be the Queenpin? So it's about balance, and kidney stones, and letting go of fear, and using my network, and laundry.