Do you ever think Don Corleoni had self-doubt. Do you think he worried if he looked fat in his pin stripes? Would his hands shake at the idea that he looked stupid holding a gun? When the Don was alone with one of his women did he worry that maybe his cellulite was just too plain ugly to show? Did he only have sex with his clothes on?
In the first Godfather the Don never wavers. You can tell when one of the other members of the organization feels insecure, they start getting the shifty eye. They either look around the room for someone to validate them or they drop their gaze to the ground. These days this is what I relate to, not the confidence of the Don. Not the moxie that a Queenpin should have.
I've got the self-doubt these days and I've got it bad. My acupuncturists says it's because I'm burning myself out with school, work, kids, man. I've got no foundation to hold me down. My uprooted being is just shifting and floating around. She said it in more Chinese Medicine speak, but that is what she meant.
I hate self-doubt. The best word I can think of to explain it is icky. It makes me feel icky. Like I can't do, or shouldn't be doing, shouldn't be existing. It makes me miss out on the lusciousness of things because I'm so focused on how much I suck. I'm figuring out that I can't shudder this self-doubt away. You know with an, ugh, shoulder shudder, this feels like shit now lets move on. I can't ego it away either. I let my ego go wild and say and do all kinds of outlandish things, but then I feel self-doubt ten times worse. Did I really do that? What do people think? Am I a crazy woman?
On one of those ego occasions, I went to a beautiful wedding shower where we supposed to give advice. Queenpin Mama, twice divorced, has not much good advice for that, so what did I do? I sang Madonna's "Spank Me" and suggested singing that could help a marriage make it though one more day. Now, months later, I still worry, worry, worry, do those women dislike me now, was I too wild? Ugh, I don't want to worry about these things, I'd like to just shudder and move on, but this time self-doubt is holding me down.
This is a deep self-doubt. A deep core shaking, where the hell is my self, and do I really like her, kind of thinking. This is ungrounded fear and pain. Is this the part where I get to blame it on the ex? It's been three years and I still can't believe how earth shaking it has been to be left. To have this one who you loved like no other walk out the door and never look back.
I know at some point I'm going to heal up and bear a sweet scar that I can tell about at cocktail parties, but right now it there is still a wound. I don't want that man back, I'm redefining my dreams in life, but still I have a slowly healing wound. Really, I still have Turret's Syndrome sometimes when we speak and I can't keep my cussing to myself. But I know it's not him, but the leaving shook my core and I still haven't quite found my center.
The fact that I am full time mom, 1/2 time graduate student, and full time teacher doesn't help. When is there time to actually take care of me? To nurture and not push. I so relate to the scene in American Beauty when the mom who is a real estate agent is having an open house and no one shows up. She starts crying and then she starts yelling at herself and smacking her own face so she'll get it together. Sometime I notice myself mentally being that hard on myself and I think of that scene and laugh. Ease up, baby. My wusband used to say, "Lighten up, Frances."
I think enlighten up is more appropriate. I am now trying to sort all this out so I can heal myself before I go off the deep end. My life is too sweet to waste it with self-doubt and negative rumination. This Queenpin has got to get grounded. I've been waking, not studying, but meditating and doing yoga. We went to the Buddhist Center last night and I felt love and caring wash over me as I prayed. What would Buddha think? Self-doubt? Try emptiness, baby.