Friday, October 29, 2010

Mama is a Four Letter Word

Some days, MAMA!!!! is a four letter word. It is a FUCK YOU, a SHIT, a BITCH. It is a scream and an insult. It has been my experience that getting cussed at feels more like a punch in the stomach though, the mama four letter word is a suck you down through the floor four letter word. A drain your soul, quick sand to your brain word.

Queenpins get tired. Queenpins get sucked dry, but Queenpins have to get over it pretty soon or life will be reduced to keeping your head above the muck in the swamp, or escape the dementors, which sometimes my beasties feel like. Life suckers, joy eaters.

We are not flowing as family this week. We are reacting to each other like those ping pong balls in the Bingo machine. It sucks. Mama is a four letter word this week. There is constant bickering, constant whining, and mama's mad face and sharp words.

This week I've got no words of wisdom, pour your whiskey, (you know I'm talking to you), smoke your cigarettes, lock the bathroom door and sit. Survive.

I've been getting up in the morning and meditating hoping to be a kinder mother. This morning I said 108 compassion mantras, 45 minutes later I would have happily sold both kids to gypsies. I am in survival mode. My new mantras, "This is temporary, this is temporary, this is temporary." "Call a sitter, call a sitter, call a sitter, call a sitter." Survive.

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