Friday, November 12, 2010

Smoking is My Frenemy

Smoking is my frenemy. I hate it and I love it. The first time I smoked a cigarette I was 10 years old walking back from a trip to the ice cream shop with friends. One of the girls picked up a lit cigarette off the ground that someone had thrown down and we smoked it. Ee-gads the thought of that now makes me shudder.

I have quit countless times since that moment. Four years once, a year and a 1/2 once, months here and there, weeks, and then we get to the days mark. Sometimes I quit for hours and then find myself at 7-11 at the counter feeling like a loser passing over my cash to buy some sweet relief.

The wusband smokes too. Having two parents who smoke raise my kids chances of smoking. I get the lung cancer threat too. Really I do. But I cannot seem to stay done.

Many times I wonder what it is that keeps my going back. I have lots of reasons. I have smoked so long I define myself as a smoker. In movies I always related to the biggest baddest smoker. I was always Rizzo from Grease, the bad girl characters. But is that really it? I have redefined my life so many times you would think I would be able to redefine that out of it, but I can't let it go. Even the badass bitches in movies don't smoke anymore yet here I go puffing away. All women who were smoking in the old movies are probably on oxygen tanks now. That is so not sexy.

One thing I hold onto with smoking is that it gives me a break. I walk outside and have 5 kid free moments. It is a true quick break from the chaos that is my life. Is it worth lung cancer? The stink of it? The shame of it? Nope, but I can't seem to give it up. It beats me down it makes me feel weak physically and emotionally, yet it also builds me up and makes me feel sexy and badass. It gives me a few moments of peace, yet also has me always chasing it. I'm never really satisfied until I have that smoke in my lungs.

I have done it all; the gum, some tapping therapy thing, meditation, acupuncture, hypnotherapy, cold turkey, cutting back. I'm not sure what its going to take so I wait for the next moment of quitting to come and then I'll ride it. I'll quit again. Swear it is the last time and pray to the Buddhas that this time it really is. Joe Camel you are one dirty motherfucker, I love you.

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