Surrounded by lackeys, family, and friends Don Corleone still had to sit alone at his desk and make the final call. He still has to weigh decisions on his own, comfort himself, live with his choices, and in the end, like all of us will, he died alone. Oneness with another is a myth, but I can't help but want it sometimes. Lonely is just the wants hiding in a different color ache.
Thanksgiving came and went. I love, love, love being with my delicious family. Brother, sister, mother, in-laws, out-laws, partners, grand dame, children, children, children. There is a lot of laughing and intense talking and cooking, yet I always leave with the wants. Everyone in my family is coupled and happily so. My brother is celebrating his 15th year of marriage this year. My sister her 10th. My mom found an amazing man two years after my dad died. They have been together seven years.
Watching the men with their children, watching knowing looks pass between couples, watching the gentle touch between two people who rely on each other for comfort, it creates the wants in me. I have no illusions that their lives are perfect. Life is life, and human beings are so painfully human. Still, to me, while everyone is together wearing their visiting manners, couples are like shiny displays in shop windows. Out of reach and beautiful, to be looked at and enjoyed but for someone else who has more resources.
I always leave family gatherings aching and sore in my soul. It takes me a few days to return to center. Center being a place of peace with my wonderful life. My friends, my freedom, my man, my sweet job, and best of all my beasties. If I had a partner he would not feed the wants in me. He could not cure my lonely because the lonely wants are not about a person. They are about a myth.
I think one of reasons my husband left (besides being a total and complete jackass) was that I thought we were 1/2's of the same whole and that he could fill my wants. That is a tall order for one person, no one can do it, especially someone who is damaged beyond hope. I loved being married. Loved the rootedness of it. Loved the cocoon of it. Being single again is a lesson for me in self-confidence, self-care, and growing up. Learning to stand on my own and root myself. Sometimes it fucking sucks.
I woke today planning on meditating and yoga-ing myself back to center, but what I have done is read my book, smoke, and now write this. None of which will cure the wants. I have heard some people refer to the wants as a God shaped hole. The only way I'm gonna fill this baby is to fill it with spiritual food. Meditation, joy, being in the moment, gratitude.
I'm getting up, friends, shutting this computer off, and going to set up the Christmas tree. I'm gonna be in the moment, dance to Christmas music with my kids, and heal myself. Don Corleone give me strength, Buddha give me joy, Queenpin root thyself, because ain't nobody else gonna do it.