I got asked to attend a Brave Girls Workshop Soul Restoration class. I want to go and I don't want to. It's women, (my favorite kind of people) sitting around a table doing soul work. Digging work. I used to do a lot of digging work. Lots of writing and talking and healing (from what I wonder now?). Much of that work was beneficial, but some was just self-indulgent and ego feeding. These days this blog is my soul work. Miraculously I can go days without having to sort through feelings with someone to help. That past work gave me a good foundation for making my own decisions and standing on my own two feet.
The reason I want to do the Soul Restoration class is because since the wusband left my heart has been closed. Buttoned up tight. When I open it will a butterfly emerge from it's tight cocoon? Will I laugh with more abandon? Will I be more compassionate to others?
The reason I don't want to do the class is the same. What happens to a heart while it is buttoned up tight, protecting itself from pain? Does it decompose like a body? The worms go in the worms go out? What will emerge if I open it? Will it be like the moldy cheese left in the back of the fridge for months? I pretend I don't see it so I don't have to deal with that freaky mess.
As I write this I realize even with my heart closed I still get hurt, but not long term hurt. Not husband leaving hurt. More like a stubbed toe. The first pain is great and then you get little tingly reminders, but you move on and have your day.
Friday night my was cup was filled by a few hours with beautiful ladies. We went to my neighbor"s house, drank margaritas, and made tamales like her Nona used to make. We talked and laughed and my cup was filled. That is what makes me want to do the Soul Restoration. That sharing of estrogen, wisdom, and joy.
What makes me not want to do it is fear of the worms inside, and how vulnerable I'll be without my worms. I'm terrified of being hurt again. When I think about the pain those nasty worms seem downright cuddly and I allow my heart to shelter them.
My mind isn't made up yet. May be I'll just procrastinate until the class passes. May be I'll sign up. May be I'll eat fried worms.