Today I decided that I am going to turn my guilt into gratitude. I have always been a person that holds on to guilt, or creates it where there needs to be none, and lately it seems to be the first emotion that pops up in any situation.
I think that Buddha would tell me its an over inflated ego beliving that I have more control over situations than possible. Imagine a Queenpin believing I have more effect on people and situations than is possible! My sister informed me that it's inherited. There's actually a name for it in my family. My dad suffered from it BAD. As a Queenpin, I do have a lot of responsibility and have to make a lot of decisions which makes me feel I hold a lot of weight in life. Guilt is yucky and I don't want to feel it weighing me down anymore.
Merriman guilt that's what we call it in my family. I had forgotten it until my sister mentioned it, but as soon as she reminded me I had visions of my dad with his brow furrowed and his voice sticky full of guilt ruminating over some small thing. My sister and I laughed that it must be genetic. But genetic or not I've got to get rid of it. It causes me to miss the moment, miss the miracles, and hate myself.
Guilt into gratitude. "I'm grateful I have so many wonderful people that help me with the beasties", not, "I'm such a bad mother, I'm leaving them with a sitter again." or "Yummy, yummy cake for dinner. Lucky me I get to have cake!", not "Why am I eating this, I'm so bad to my body." My brow is already less furrowed, my soul open not closed. I'm working on it, but gosh, I hope I wrote enough about it. Maybe if I wrote more I would change someone's life. Man, the responsibilities of Queenpinism are a bear.