Saturday, May 28, 2011

I Don't Want to Get Up Today

I don't want to get up today, but I have. That's the way a Queenpin has to roll. I have gotten up and made pancakes with the beasties. I think I ooed and ahhed and laughed in all the right places. I have done dishes, and since we're house/dog sitting I have given 4 dogs medicine and food and let them all out. Shouldn't I be able to call it a day? But it's only 8:45 a.m. so a Queenpin has to rally. There's big beasts' birthday party to pull off. Fucking, fuck, fuck. Fuck a fucking duck and smash all it's eggs.

The beasties' dad has decided to choose this time to tantrum which means he's pissed at me so he won't see the kids. Plus I'm in the process of taking him to court. My man and I are having a little "time apart" so there's no good lovin' for Queenpin. I have to go to work and look for a new job. Plus, I friggin' forgot to go to the evaluation meeting for my daughter to get into her new preschool next year. I'm applying for more schooling for me which is three nights a week, plus the 6 days a month I'm gone from my kids for acupuncture school, all of which I have spotty childcare for and money? Shit, that better start growing on trees. Then there's the whole having to get my sweet big beast tested by the public schools because he's dyslexic. Have I mentioned that I am also trying not to ruin two kids while doing this?

I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Why can't I find my peace in this? It's been months since I meditated consistently. It has been awhile since I felt real inner freedom. It is not that I don't have moments of laughter and joy, but everything is weighted by a feeling of unease, of burden, of more to do. I know that to free myself from this all I need to do is be in the moment, but damn it, that is hard. When I drop into this very moment it is painful and scary so I jump on my wheel of things to do like a hamster in her cage and I run with no destination in sight.

For a woman who is getting used to being in control there is also this sense that I must be in control of this. Am I causing this? Am I somehow bringing on the drama because I think I need it to survive, to thrive?

I want to curl up in the fetal position and wait until it's over, but life isn't over until it's over and I certainly don't want that. I used to have the belief that if you felt enough gratitude you wouldn't feel self-pity and fear, but I am finding that is not the case. I am so grateful for my big juicy life, full of love, love, love, but I am overwhelmed by what there is to get done. Prayers and mantras ease my soul, moments with the beasties, moments with my amazing friends they are such gifts, but that doesn't take away all that I have to do. No one can do this but the Queenpin, and that is making me look a little crazy in the eyes and feel like a little nutso in my soul.

What I know to do is to duck and roll with it. That's what I feel like I've done since the wusband left. I put my shoulder to the wind and just take the next step. When I have moments of joy I try to savor them like chocolate melting on my tongue. I'm getting up today. I'm going to figure out a creative answer to the question my daughter just posed, "Mama, what is this?" Instead of explaining the actual use for the tampon she is holding, I think I'll try to force a little joy into my day by telling her it is bath toy.

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