Friday, June 17, 2011

Searching for Chutzpuh

My mom's longtime boyfriend taught me the Yiddish word chutzpuh a few months ago. He was using it in relation to the wusband. As in, that man has a lot of chutzpuh asking you for money. Chutzpuh is something I wish the wusband had less of and I had more of. Chutzpuh means a lotta nerve. A person with chutzpuh only cares out what they want in the outcome of a situtation. They are not lying awake at night worrying about what others think.

You'd imagine that a Queenpin would have no problem telling someone off, saying what's on her mind, but this Queenpin has people pleasing issues, plus southern girl raisin', both of which keep friggin' getting in my way. I take taming bees with honey to the extreme and many times, sometimes that's what it takes to win in the end, but other times you've got to take it to the mattresses and that is where my dilema lies. How do you know, in a split second whether to tame the bees or take it to the mattresses?

I have a hard time distiguishing between kindness and compassion, turning the other cheek and just plain fear of dealing. I have a hard time picking battles and weighing options, but for some reason these days I seem to keep bumping up against the question, "Is this fight worth it?" or I find myself walking away from a situation and later feeling like a total shat upon loserpin. Did the Don ever struggle with this? I think he did. He had to weigh the cost of the battle, because if he moved without thinking his whole organization would fall. This Queenpin can't leave a ton of bodies in her wake either. I've got beasties to protect.

I like to charm people. I like to say it with a smile. It's not that I never say what's on my mind, I do, but I say it with a big ole' grin on my face and many times people don't hear what I'm saying because I say it so sweet. Buddhas forbid I actually make someone uncomfortable. God forbid I make an enemy.

The Queenpin needs to grow some ovaries, and get some chutzpah. She needs to learn to speak up and and scowl. May be I should pick some worthless battles for practice. I wish I would have used it on the nurse who insulted me on purpose while I was face down on a table with no pants on. Chutzpuh is calling a patient's hips saddlebags before you stab in a shot. What did the Queenpin do? Laugh at the chutzpuh of that bitch.

My therapist says that there are two archetypes of warriors. The immature one who rushes blindly into to battle and the mature one that strategizes and picks battles that are worth it. That's where I'm hoping my search for chutzpah leads me. I want to be a Chutzpah Queen who can strategize and go into battles with a cool head.

The Don taught his son Michael about honor. Honoring himself and expecting others to treat him with honor, but he also taught him that sometimes you've got to let things slide so that you stay alive. For me the honor will come from standing up for me and the beasties when a situation requires it, but not losing my head in worthless battles. Like when the wusband asks me for money because he has managed his poorly. The chutzpuh comes from saying, No, but having the self-control not to follow it with phrases like complete loser and worthless pond scum. It is taking him to court for more financial support, though he kicks and screams and punishes the beasties along the way. It is taking it to the mattresses, being Mohammad Ali, not Mike Tyson, though there are many days I'd love for someone to be the hero and bite off that motherfucker's ear.

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