While returning from our annual family beach trip, I had 9 1/2 hours in the car with the beasties and our 15 year old babysitter. 9 1/2 hours with a 15 year old is just about enough time to cover all the major topics. And one of the last topics we hit was dating. Now let me preface this with a little description. The 15 year old girl I was with has her head on straight. She isn't one of those gum popping, silly, stereo-typical teens. She's a girl who is going places. She is a girl who has goals and high expectation. She is a girl who isn't too interested in boys yet and doesn't mind being single. Maybe she's not really a girl, maybe she a robot. Anyway we started talking about dating. My sweet babysitter informed me that she has 51 things that she would like in a boyfriend. 51 things!
And that got me thinking about my list. I used to have a list of qualities I wanted in a man. Actually I've had a few lists, but after awhile I stopped seeing the point. Relationships are about compromise right? So I've always ended up compromising my list, or finding it years later and thinking isn't this list cute? While the man I was currently with lacked almost all of the qualities on it, or I realized in reality, the qualities I on the list didn't amount to shit in the real world or relationships. The other night I was talking to my friend about my last relationship and I realized in the past year my list has really shortened to 2 things: Don't be a fuck up, and Stop being an asshole. Maybe I need higher expectations. Maybe I need some expectations.
I"ve heard women swear by the list. Saying that they got a man with the exact qualities they had put down. If I didn't have my old lists to prove it, this is what I would think my past lists had on them because these are the men I've brought into my life:
1. Bad boy, rebel
2. Has lots of potential, but never realized it
4. Good in the sack
6. Tortured and artistic
7. Semi-wearable (that means you can take 'em out), but not a conformist
9. Smart, but not schooled
11. Fragile ego
12. Employable, but not always employed
13. Strong personality
14. They adore me & put me on a pedestal, until I fall and then they can't recover from being with an actual human being.
In therapy I went in with two goals. The second goal was to start taking care of myself, by meditating, exercising, stop smoking, all those things I know I should do, but I can't be consistent with. The first goal was to figure out why I pick such fucked up men, and STOP PICKING THEM. It's not just me anymore that is affected by my choices. I have to think about those little beasties and the fact that who I pick is going to affect who they become. And for some reason, even though I love my beasties and worry constantly about the affect my parenting is going to have on them, I cannot give up my attraction to the bad boy.
What this means is that I end up having two separate lives. A life of mommydom and a life of dating. When your wusband hasn't taken the kids in six weeks, and you're in massage and acupuncture school, this puts a little crimp on that second life. So essentially I have no dating life, and for now that is okay. I guess I'll take this time to start compiling a new list. A list of the qualities I want a man to possess. A list that will tell the Buddhas and the Universe what to send me next time. I think I'll start with something basic, something like 1. A good boy who needs a Queenpin to worship, and who isn't afraid of the laundry.