Saturday, October 1, 2011

Good Vibrations - Aunties Please Skip this Post

Can I really write about this without being totally pornographic? Probably. Because sex is funny, especially when it involves yourself. My girls and I sat on the porch last Monday night telling funny stories, and by funny stories I mean stories that involves things that vibrate that cannot be purchased at Wal-mart.

I used to know this wise woman in her late seventies. She would always council women to learn to take care of themselves, and by take care of themselves I mean go to the nearest sex shop and buy a vibrating friend. She wanted women to learn empower themselves in their bodies and to understand themselves sexually. She wanted them to take a little time to be single and to understand that alone can be okay. Alone can be satisfying.

I was probably 19 when she gave me that advice, now I'm 37. I've had many friendships with beautiful and amazing women, and I know that not all women desire a little extra umph when they are with themselves, but I have also found that women who know their bodies, who find their sexual power (with mechanics or without) are a force. They have a comfort with their bodies, a confidence, and there are no apologies for being a sexual being. It is pretty delicious.

Mae West, one of my favorite wise women said, "Sex is emotion in motion."
As I write this, I realize it may sound like I don't see the point of a partner, but I do. I love team sports as much as the next girl, and I but I also know that when conditioning yourself for any sport you need to have confidence in yourself and know your limits. Self-exploration is essential in soccer as well as sex. It involves serious concentration and a good sense of humor.

You'd be surprised how many women have great stories about their experiences with self-exploration being exposed. Sitting around with friends laughing, the quietest sweetest lady in the room will often surprise you with a great story about a mechanical snafu.

Years ago I had a friend that worked in a substance abuse treatment center for women. My friend was very shy about her body, about sex. She was very naive. She would blush when we would start telling stories or making jokes. One day at work the staff had to do a room search of all the client's rooms in the treatment center. Gloves were worn, drawers searched, mattresses lifted, and closets rummaged through. My friend hated this part of the job.

Close, but not quite.
She and her co-workers had gone through a few rooms. Ugh, dirty laundry, other people's stuff, privacy disregarded. My friend just couldn't wait to get it done. She was going through a drawer of clothes when she felt something firm and hard. Hmmm. What is that? She pulled it out. Purple, long, firm. "What is this?" She turned it over in her hand, "A flashlight?" The other staff member's eyes in the room became huge and she busted out laughing. No, baby, that's a sign you need to get out more. That my friend is a vibrator.

Second hand I heard the story of a woman who heard her two year old playing in the other room. He was quiet, and fascinated with something. The mama took advantage of those precious moments to get a few things done. Eventually, she realized she should peek in on him and make sure everything was okay. There he sat in all his cuteness fascinated by this vibrating, wondrous thing he had found in his mom's drawer. Enamored with its sleek design, it's squishy exterior. Look what I found mommy! He held it up with pride. After that the woman had to throw it out. Every time she saw her mechanical friend she had visions of her two year old smiling up at her as if he had found gold.

 Another friend told me a great one just the other day. Her wusband's dad came to pick up her daughter for an outing. The man had driven a few hours. He's a man that is buttoned up tight. He's a man that makes sure his creases are perfect. He's a man that never farts. He had driven a few hours to come get his granddaughter and he asked to use the bathroom. My friend had straightened the downstairs of her house in anticipation of his arrival, but hadn't worried about the upstairs where the bathroom was. Oh, well she thought, he'll just have to see the mess. She sent him up to the bathroom and continued to get her daughter ready for the trip. When wusband's dad returned downstairs he did not meet my friend's gaze, he was bustling around nervously trying to get his granddaughter out. My friend thought it was just the awkwardness of wusband's dad picking up daughter, a new thing.

After her daughter left for the weekend my friend went upstairs to get ready for her Friday night. As she reached the top of the stairs on the way to the bathroom she was distracted by a glint of silver coming from her bedroom. The light of her bedroom perfectly reflected off something silver laying on the black sheets of her rumpled bed. Her eyes zeroed in and she started laughing hysterically as she realized that her ex-father-in-law wouldn't meet her gaze because he realized that she had taken a mechanical lover. She is a woman who can take care of herself, wusband or not.

Approved for putting in the ear.
My absolute favorite story happened at a dinner party. Another single mama with two small girls. She had pulled together a fabulous dinner, there was wine and great conversation. The girls had been shuffled off to the mama's room to watch a movie. It was adult time, until the sweet youngest girl, toddled out to the table and said, "Mommy, sister keeps sticking this in my ear, and I don't like it." There she stood in her Dora p.j.s with ruffled hair holding up a vibrating wondrous thing. Ahhh, those kids say the darnedest things, and expose the damnedest things.

Stephan Jenkins, the lead singer of Third Eye Blind, said, "Sex is funny and love is serious." Where does that leave self-love and exploration? Somewhere in the middle, seriously funny, scarily scandalous, nicely necessary. If you haven't done it already, (you know who you are), go on girl and arrange a meeting with your vagina. I'm sure she'll be happy to make your acquaintance. Just make sure that when that mechanical snafu happens you share the hilarity and email me the story.


  1. Lol I love this post! Here's my true story for ya: when I was about 21 yo I was living with a friend who had a dog that was fascinated by my vibrator. She somehow found it hidden in my room & I had to get a new one. Well this time I hid it really good or so I friend and I come home from the bar with some guys we had met to find her dog in the living room sitting chewing my toy! I was so embarrassed!

  2. Hahahahahahahaha, wiping tears from my eyes! I love it.

    A friend told me about her neighbor. Who got out of bed three times & went outside to see what that friggin' noise was she kept hearing. She could not sleep because of the damn noise. Every time she got outside she didn't hear it anymore, after trip 3 she realized the noise was her vibrator going crazy in her bedside table. The same neighbor also busted her daughter using it as a microphone.

    I'm sure there are many more stories out there. I hope we hear them soon!