Monday, November 21, 2011

Dear Cigarrettes

Dear Cigarrettes,

I need for you to let me go. I am so sick of your stink, your controlling ways, and the damage you are doing to my body. Do you hear the cough, do you feel the wheeze? Those wrinkles, the, whoa, large pores. I can't even write about how smoking affects my beasts. I can't write that kids whose parents smoke, even if they only smoke outside, those little beasts still get sick more often than kids whose parents don't smoke. Kids whose parents smoke are more likely to smoke. Kids whose parents smoke can't get undivided attention because mama wants to sneak out for a quick drag.

Cigarrettes, you nasty weed, I've got such a screwed up love/hate of you. My inner Rizzo can't let you go. I swear sometimes I think she wants me dead, but she doesn't really, she just wants me misbehaving. We've been talking lately, me and the inner Riz, and I'm trying to let her know I will misbehave just the same without you, Cigarrettes. I don't have to die to be wicked. That Rizzo, she is a bull headed bitch, but she makes me laugh. I think she's gonna come around to see my side. She will see, dear cigarrettes, that smoking is more stupid than wicked. I would much rather have a hickey from Kenikie than smell like a ashtray from Joe Camel. Camels spit lugeys and cause cancer. I'm so over that.

Cigarrettes, you are a disgusting, foul, and maddening habit. Just a habit, not a God, not even a human being. You are just a habit, yet here I am quitting again, and again. I've started out everyday the past four days with such high hopes, but then there I go missing you and thinking, Fuck It, just one won't hurt.  There I go trading my health, my beasts, my beauty for just one drag. What the mother fuck? How can you have such control over me?

I am a smart woman. I am a strong woman. I, unlike you, am a human being! I have free will. Except when it comes to you. There is something that always drags me back to you.

I read this book once about quitting smoking called The Easy Way to Quit Smoking, and strangely that book made it really easy for me to quit. I didn't have any cravings for a month and 1/2. I quit. I wasn't a bitch. I don't remember gaining much weight. And then I got overwhelmed and I started again. Fuck. But one thing that book said over and over again was, "Something marvelous is happening." I loved it. I made a postcard about it. I'm saying to myself today on my 100th time quitting smoking. On my, I only haven't smoked since this morning (really, so lame), and already I'm dying for a smoke.

Something marvelous is happening: I will no longer smell like an ashtray.
Something marvelous is happening: I will be a good example for my beasts.
Something marvelous is happening: I will lesson my chances of cancer so I can live to see the beasts grow up.
Something marvelous is happening: I am going to be free of this addiction.

Something marvelous is happening, Cigarettes. One of these smokes is going to be my last one and I am going to dance and sing and hack and thank the universe as I send you on your way.


  1. Good for you! I quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant and haven't turned back

  2. I quit for 4 1/2 years when I found out I was pregnant and then.....damn, I started again. Of course, I never knew how hard it was going to be to quit again.

  3. I know I'm often tempted to have one especially when I'm having a couple drinks but I don't just cos I know it won't end up being just one for me lol best of luck to you it's not easy!

  4. You go girl. Drink a shot of tequila and tell that bitch Rizzo to be quiet.

  5. Hahahaha Sally! I Guffawed at work while reading this and almost shot coffee out of my nose. Thanks for the great advice.