Recently I've been shaken. Emotionally shaken, though it felt a little like someone put me in the martini mixer and gave me a good whirl. Shaken, not stirred. Two times it's happened in the past two months. Let's hope this isn't my new once a month pattern.
Heller Keller said, "Security is an illusion. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." My security has been shaken. This post was going to focus on fear. It was going to focus on the fact that I had a bad feeling about some guys I spoke to on the street, and then one followed me. It was going to focus on trusting my gut and the fear of being followed, but then Savior Single Mama said to me about the experience, "It's okay. It just shattered your false sense of security. Just give it a few weeks and you will feel safe again." and that's when I realized this wasn't about being followed. This was about delusion. The delusion that I am safe. That life does not happen. That I am in control.
I have become a master at insulating myself and my children. I do not watch the news, or crime dramas on t.v. We live in a sweet little nest of a neighborhood, where, for the most part, we are sheltered from crime. I mainly focus on what is right in front of me and I try to remind myself that this moment might be my last so live it up. But that saying falls on a deafened heart and many times though I know intellectually that it is true, I forget in my soul that life is short, and unpredictable, and no one is immune from death or trauma. The funny thing is I take it so personally when the message is the delivered. It really throws me for a loop. I am the empress with no clothes, please don't tell me I'm naked. Please don't tell me I'm one breath away from death, just like everyone else. Once this is pointed out (and it must be again and again), I run shaking, shaken and stirred, and I retreat.
Two months ago I was in a car wreck, not a major one, I'm fine, kids not with me (thank the Buddhas), my car....well, he didn't fare so well. Then I had this guy in the neighborhood where I work scare the shit out of me, and then there was a shooting on a college campus near me. Smack, smack, smack. My face burns from the wake up call of reality. This moment is it. Don't waste it. Security is an illusion baby life happens.
Last week I went to a meditation class where the question was, "What takes you from your center?" My therapist reworded it to, "What blocks you from returning to your center?" The fear that erupted in me with the wreck and the creepy guy took me away from my center and it took me a while to return. I get the whole flight or fight process and what that physically does to me, but I did not like the feeling that I could not ground myself because of my fear. That feeling feeds into the fear and makes it worse because then I feel out of control and everyone knows a Queenpin needs to be in control.
This week I've been working on returning to center. When I feel my consciousness drift, which is often, I bring it back into my heart. I pull myself back in my body and I try to live this moment. I'm trying to walk the thin line between being comfortable and being aware. I'm trying to lift my blinders and see life as it is; unpredictable, full of dark and light. I'm trying to accept reality, not just the Polly Anna shit I like to tell myself. But I also bought some mace, and my man has taught me some common sense self-defense moves. If my mind is going to go off on its own in my moment of fear, I want the body to be able to gouge out an eye.