Saturday, February 26, 2011

From Guilt to Gratitude

Today I decided that I am going to turn my guilt into gratitude. I have always been a person that holds on to guilt, or creates it where there needs to be none, and lately it seems to be the first emotion that pops up in any situation.

I think that Buddha would tell me its an over inflated ego beliving that I have more control over situations than possible. Imagine a Queenpin believing I have more effect on people and situations than is possible! My sister informed me that it's inherited. There's actually a name for it in my family. My dad suffered from it BAD. As a Queenpin, I do have a lot of responsibility and have to make a lot of decisions which makes me feel I hold a lot of weight in life. Guilt is yucky and I don't want to feel it weighing me down anymore.

Merriman guilt that's what we call it in my family. I had forgotten it until my sister mentioned it, but as soon as she reminded me I had visions of my dad with his brow furrowed and his voice sticky full of guilt ruminating over some small thing. My sister and I laughed that it must be genetic. But genetic or not I've got to get rid of it. It causes me to miss the moment, miss the miracles, and hate myself.

Guilt into gratitude. "I'm grateful I have so many wonderful people that help me with the beasties", not, "I'm such a bad mother, I'm leaving them with a sitter again." or "Yummy, yummy cake for dinner. Lucky me I get to have cake!", not "Why am I eating this, I'm so bad to my body." My brow is already less furrowed, my soul open not closed. I'm working on it, but gosh, I hope I wrote enough about it. Maybe if I wrote more I would change someone's life. Man, the responsibilities of Queenpinism are a bear.

Crow Tastes a Lot Like Chicken

It's time for me to eat a little crow, yep nasty cawing, black feathered crow. Me and my man are together. We are doing better and doing the same. We are still low key and he is not around my beasties. We are what we are. I haven't really figured out what that means, but I'm in it.

I am a woman of big statements, of certainties, and life changing moments, and then I change my mind and I eat a little crow. Some would call me a Drama Queen...maybe all would call me that. How can a Queenpin be anything else? My ,mentor, the Don he was a man of certainties, of large proclamations, but he could not bend once he made them. The act of showing flexibility would be the downfall of the Don, but for me it's a little embarrassment, a little shame and then I have to move on. I try to eat my crow with lots of spices, a sprig of mint so it goes down easier. Really crow, it tastes a lot like chicken.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Queenpin Will Return

I am closed for Soul Restoration! Loving my Brave Girls online class, but it is taking up a lot of writing time. I will be back in a few weeks to fill you in on some of my discoveries.