Tuesday, January 17, 2012

My Birthday Was a Gas

Last Thursday was my birthday. I'm 38 years old and my life is sweet as pie. Things are really good. I love my job. My beasties are a delight. My man and I are doing well. I'm passing acupuncture school (which is no small feat). And I'm surrounded by amazing friends and family.

I had a great birthday. On that day I decided to focus on the positive things about being 38. I care less about what others think, I have clear vision of what I want for my future, I'm healthy, I have the opportunity to laugh a lot, and laugh often.

On my birthday I was not going to let myself focus on the fact that I am getting older and the disadvantages that come with age. When those thoughts popped into my head I quickly whisked them away to some far off corner of my mind to stew on their own. I was not going to focus on the fact that my lips, and corners of my eyes seem to be a little less supple, a little more line filled. I was going to ignore the grey hairs that multiply daily on my head. Hairs that seem more like wire than glossy locks. I was not going to dwell on the white pubic hair I found last week, who daringly stood out and said, "YOU ARE GETTING OLD, SISTER." It was my birthday damn it, and I was going to feel young and free.

Which I did that morning as I practiced tai chi and worked on a paper for school. I felt spry, focused, and excited. All through work I was brilliant and hardworking and fun. Even through dinner with my family I felt young and happy and so very satisfied with my life. Shit, 38 is really the beginning I thought, I am in my prime.

"So what happened?" you ask. "What happened that opened your eyes to the fact that you are no spring chickie?" The body, that's what happened. The body just had to bring me down from my little pink cloud. I think all the truths about getting older, you know those ugly thoughts I banished to the corner of my mind, I think they started a rebellion and the body just couldn't wait to have a good laugh at my expense. It was a true conspiracy against the Queenpin.

After dinner with my family. I went to my Sweet Escape's. He usually works nights, but he was getting off early and we were going to spend a little time on my birthday.  He bought me a garnet charm to go on the charm bracelet he bought me for Christmas. We snuggled up. It was a delicious, sweet time, until IT happened. Right in the middle of some cop show on t.v. and some snuggling I coughed and right at that moment, I farted. LOUD. A cough and a fart! RIGHT OUT LOUD, on my perfect 38th birthday while I was pretending I wasn't getting any older.

Let me back up to explain that my Sweet Escape and I have been together for over a year, and I have NEVER farted in front of him. I have actually woken up next to him in the middle of the night from fear off farting. I have taken great lengths to pretend that I do not ever shit or fart. Often in the morning I run out for something just so I can go to the nearest store and use their bathroom. He is always confused when it has taken me 30 minutes to run down to the corner store and get a pack of smokes. I, however, return relieved and in a much better mood.

I posted this video on Sweet Escape's Facebook page as a joke and he was totally horrified that the first impression his family would have of me would be this:

So on the first day of my 38th year and I ruin the image I have worked so hard to create! I mean, I'm used to peeing myself occasionally. I have accepted that a good laughing fit, or sneeze when the bladder is not empty can necessitate an underwear switch-a-roo. I've had two kids, I accept it. But the surprise cut the cheese? I was not prepared. He was not prepared. I guess that's why it was a surprise. Yet I had made it the whole day in sweet denial of the changes that age has enforced on my body and that fart just ruined my sweet denial. My man and I cracked up laughing at it, yet there was a little kernel of concern created in my mind. And that kernel was getting ready to pop like Jiffy Pop on the hot stove. What does this uninvited flatulence mean? Am I losing my touch, just when I am actually finding it?

And then of course I had to look my mentor the Don. Really,WWtDD? What would the Don do? Would he ignore it? What would his organization do, and how would they feel if the man they loved and respected no longer controlled his flatulence?  Would they send one of Virgil Sollozzo's goons to murder him in his own gaseous cloud? A kingpin that has uncontrollable gas is on his way out. It is a true sign that your body is failing and the mind is soon to follow. I began fearing my demise was at hand. I began to focus on the hard and fast truth that I am closer to 40 than 30. I am aging, and nothing will ever be the same.

This video is disgusting and such 6 year old humor, however, you will get my point after the first 10 seconds. Could you take that man seriously?

But then, I gave myself a mental shake, and when that didn't work, I smacked my own face like Annette Bening in American Beauty. Snap out of it!

Really think about this WWtDD? Would he give up his place in the Family just because of a something as irrelevant as GAS? Would he cut his lost boys loose, would he hand them over to raise so that someone else had to bear the responsibilities of being the Boss? Hell no! He would confront his flatulence head on. He would not let others see it as a sign of weakness. He would proclaim, "So whah?" In his mumbly, jumbly, speak, "So whah? You don't fart? Let's get down to business." He would move on and not let a little toot ruin his whole self image.

See? Even this lady cuts the cheese.
Here I am, 38 and five days and I have not have a repeat of that gaseous gift, but that is not the point of my whole freak out. The point is for me to continue on this path of self-acceptance, and for me that means accepting that I'm getting older. With age comes the joy and peace of wisdom, and the pain and hilarity of an aging body. Aging means carrying on even when I'm embarrassed, and not letting farts get me down. Sheesh, that's life. As a matter of fact, have you farted out loud today? So whah? Let's get down to business!

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