Monday, February 27, 2012

Missing the Kiss

Astronomical Question
By Hafiz

Happen if God leaned down
And gave you a full wet

Doesn't mind answering astronomical questions
Like that:

You would surely start
Reciting all day, inebriated,

Yesterday my man, my beasts, and I went to church, (Yep, like Jesus church) and it was strange, and good, and intense, and not as simple as I had hoped. There are spiritual places where I have gone that when I walked in I have thought, "Yes, this is home. This is where I can find the spirit." But this church did not hold that for me, and I think it was because I am jaded these days on love and God and religion. My heart is still closed to the love of the divine, but my goodness, how I am missing God's, or the Buddha's or any divinity's kiss. The worst part is, is that I know it is me, and I know I need to do some work on this, but it is so hard to open my heart.

I have come to a desperate spiritual place where I will take any divinity that is available and easy. Six years ago I started going to a Buddhist Center. Buddha spoke to my heart. The ritual, the quiet meditation, the turning to the divine in oneself for answers, the sweet and delicious compassion sucked me in and I found joy in religion.  I found happiness in the lessons on giving, the study of the texts, the magic of the Buddhas. After three years at the center, I realized that the dogma of that particular sect did not sit right with me. Like the Buddha suggests I listened to my own truth and I left the center determined to practice on my own until I found another sangha (Buddhist group) that fit better with me. 

Yet with job, graduate school, and single motherhood my spiritual practice fell to the wayside. In my small city there are no Buddhist Sunday service where you can go, drop off the kids in Buddha Sunday School, and practice. It was all up to me. I have had the responsibility of teaching my  beasties about Buddha, I have had the responsibility of my own spiritual study, I have had the responsibility of making myself sit in meditation, and I am just not up to the task.  I'm just a spiritual lazy ass. These days I feel such a profound a spiritual void that I have found myself looking for something ready made and easy because I am desperately aching for the divine. I am aching for God's kiss. 

Don Corleone did not run his organization alone. He believed in the God of Catholicism and the Mafia Code. There were rules he based his life on, there was a community that supported it. His beliefs ran deep and were unshakable. I am so shaky. I need some roots in my faith. I need some consistency in my practice. I feel such a heavy weight of responsibility when it comes to my beasts. When I was younger I always knew I had God's ear. I hated church with a passion because for me it represented conformity, and presenting a face to the world that was false, but God to me, was so much different than church. God was a deep love in my heart that I could access anytime. God was my go-to person in times of pain, sorrow, and joy. My belief in God connected me to the larger world and beyond. It connected me with the infinite. 

I've come to a place in my Buddhist practice where I feel cut off from the world because of it. I have no spiritual community, and though I have gone back to my old Buddhist Center some, and I have taken my beasts, I have not been able to reconnect to the teachings in the same way. There is always the nagging feeling that this is not home, but a temporary place until we find our community, our roots. 

Standing in that church yesterday, I was so uptight, afraid to sing, afraid to open my heart. Though I was aching as I watched others do it. Aching as I watched a community come together and worship something larger than themselves. I was afraid to share that intimacy with my man, and not sure I could subscribe to the beliefs of this church. The message was very Buddhist, renunciation of what takes you away from the divine. Not getting sucked into The Wants.  The beasts came out of their classrooms beaming, and when they came into the chapel to take communion with us, my heart opened a crack thinking about the impact of having a divine power in their lives could have. A divine power that a community teaches them about, not just their crazy Queenpin Mama. 

So the search is on for God's kiss, and what will open me up to it. The search is on for a spiritual community for the beasts.  The search is on for the hammer and chisel that will uncover the fossil of my heart. And you know if its Queenpin style, when the kiss arrives that smooch is gonna be profound, a big slobbery, ecstasy kiss, like a Saint Bernard's greeting after a year vacation. Watch out, you might even get a little spittle on you. 

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