|The Quilt is me. The squares are|
the Wise Women who help me create myself.
During the 3 year span of our mentor/menti relationship Tell-It-Like-It-Is-Mama taught me a lot, but one thing I have taken to heart was about AFGO's. AFGO stands for Another Fucking Growth Opportunity, and Lawd, Lawd am I going through one now.
|My dad used to call me Bulldog Jaw when |
I was really concentrating on something.
I jut my jaw just like this lovely lady.
This morning a friend of mine posted on Facebook, Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Thing by Julie (JC) Peters. I, of course, read it immediately. The article talks about a Hindu goddess named Akhilandeshvari, which means the Goddess Never Not Broken. She is the goddess of AFGOs. She finds the beauty, the strength, and the possibility created by the breaking apart of your ego, the shattering of your expectations. As soon as I met her she immediately had a seat at my table on The Committee. She rides a crocodile for goodness sake. How could I resist such a luscious badass, who helps me embrace my never ending need to search and break apart so I can grow, heal, and find peace?
I think in our culture there such discomfort with someone lying broken on the floor. I see the expressions on people's faces when I tell them that I am really sad, and yes, there has been a lot of sobbing. I've heard hundreds of ways to get over it, but few suggestions to, "Take care of yourself, girl, be easy. Treat yourself like your sick." However, that is exactly what my inner voice is telling me to do. Be easy, baby, this is hard. Do not be afraid of pajama days and ice cream sundae's. Do not be afraid of being a little bit of a mess. Do not be afraid to feel what you need to feel.
This morning I woke up aching for my man. Missing him so much that I lay in bed and imagined us curled up. I then reached for my novel to distract my ache. After two pages I knew it wouldn't work so I lay the book down on my chest and just thought, "I am sad. I am sad because I miss my man. I am sad because I'm ready for a partner. This sucks." and then I breathed deep and felt it. Surprisingly it was kind of lovely. This deep ache created because I've had the opportunity to love a man so much, and also that by not being with him, I am taking care of me. It was a beautiful hurt that I felt and I breathed into. After a moment of poking my finger in that ache the pain lessened and my day began. I chose to get off the bedroom floor and walk into my life. (Though you better bet your ass that I am giving myself permission to get back down on it anytime I need. If I'm coming over to your house anytime soon, please make sure the carpets are clean.)