It Was a Sticky Situation

I have written before about my Tai Chi battles. That class just kicked my ass, and I'm sure it will continue to until I graduate from acupuncture school next year.  Studying for the last exam means going through the form over and over again, but when you're not so sure how the form goes that's a little hard, and then you think, well fuck it.

After I sent him an email with the subject line "FREAKING OUT", my teacher emailed me a very patient email about why I should not give up and I should keep practicing. This helped motivate me enough to keep practicing and not quit in a huff. Plus, I have a friend in my class who practices with me and has shown me the joy of a slow motion Tai Chi bar fight. It is pretty badass. I can slow motion kick your ass anytime.

You would think that the form would be easier for me since I've made some changes in the past year. I've quit smoking, I'm eating healthier, I exercise more. I still drink as much coffee, but no one's perfect, I'm not sure how I would make it through the day without that amazing black fuel. Anyway, the form is actually harder for me these days. Luckily my teacher has changed the exam so we don't have to perform in front of the whole class anymore. That change ensured I would not have a repeat of last years pre-exam panic attack and then loud exclamation of the F-word mid-exam when I lost my place and thought I was going to have to start over.

Fancy: It's not just for weddings.

For my exam this semester I decided to pizazz it up a little. I threw on my blue bridesmaid's dress before the exam. If I was going to fail miserably at the form I might as well look good doing it, except, I realized as I zipped the dress up the back, I hadn't shaved in 3 days, which had allowed my pits to grow into mini black porcupines. Classy lady, that's me. Anyway, I walked into the room, took a deep breath, got grounded, and then started the form, fancy dress and fear reflecting back at me from the 3 mirrored walls.

Weight shift, 70% right leg, 30% left. Feet shoulder width apart. Arms float up, move from your center, breath, baby, brea....Ugh, what is that? As I'm going through the form I feel an odd sensation on my inner thigh, a sensation like there is a large paper sticker between my legs. I can feel it stick to my left inner thigh each time I move my legs, which is a lot in a 10 minute Tai Chi form. Stick, release, stick, release. Breath, breath, breath. W.....T.....F? Oh....my....God....it is my PANTYLINER! Yes, my pantyliner has wedged itself out of my underwear and is now halfway out, sticking to my inner thigh every time I move my leg which is about every 1/2 second.

My mind began to race and I picked up the speed of my form. I didn't want to stop, excuse myself  and re-adjust because that would mean I would have to start all over and there was no way I was doing that. I kept my eyes locked on the mirrors searching the floor each time my legs moved just in case the pantyliner fell right out on the floor. Stick, release, stick, release....breath, breath, breath. Dear Committee, please if I get through this form I will practice Tai Chi everyday and like it. Just keep that adhesive sticky!

Amazingly I made it through the parts of the form I knew. "Okay, that's it." I said, clamping my legs together like a virgin at an orgy. "I can tell you the rest of the form in words, but I can't actually do it."

My teacher stood up, "Allright, well, let's do it again, together. We'll do the whole form."


WHAT? I know my teacher saw the look of terror on my face. "Ugh, I would rather get a zero than do the form again."

"No," he laughed, "Come on, just do the whole form, real quick."

Are you kidding me? And then, here's the crazy thing. Instead of excusing myself for a minute and adjusting my situation I said okay. I wanted out of that room as fast as possible, and walking my sticky taped thighs down the long ass hallway to the bathroom would just prolong the hell so I said, "Let's do this." And the form began again.

Weight shift, 70% right leg, 30% left. Feet shoulder width apart. Arms float up, move from your center, breath, baby, check floor and make sure there is no 4 inch white surf board shaped thing lying at your feet. Step apart, shoulder width, knee-toe alignment, stick, release, stick, release. By the time we had made it through 3/4 of the form I can feel that most of the pad is actually out of my underwear. It hangs down, blowing in the wind until my inner thigh gets close and then stick, it adheres itself until my legs pull apart and it releases again. It is amazing to me that there is no noise accompanying this horrifying dance of pad-stick-thigh-release. I can't figure out what is holding the pad in place but I am so grateful for it's tenacity.

Please just let me make it through this last part, I pray. Turn, face front. Weight evenly distributed on either side. I stand tall and clench my inner thighs together. It is done, "Well, that wasn't so bad." My teacher smiles at me.

"Nope", I giggle. "Thank you so much." Laughter is bubbling up my throat, I am so grateful that it is over. Hysterically grateful that sticky Tai Chi situation is done and I can move on to the next year of class, and my pantyliner miraculously stayed in my drawers and did not jump out onto the floor. I feel like yelling a  mad AMEN and a delirious HALLELUIAH and I do, but it's on the inside where just I can hear it. I then gather up my things and haul ass out of class as fast as I can with my inner tighs locked on tight to that deviant pad. I had made it through the exam without humiliation......

Except, that maybe I needed to learn a little humility because the universe made sure I got some.....

After driving cross country a couple of times, I have learned the art of changing clothes without showing an ounce of skin. The day after my Tai Chi exam I was in the classroom with only 4 other people, my Tai Chi teacher, my energetics teacher, and two classmates. No one was paying any attention to me so I was going to do a quick change before I left for the night. Pull dress down, skirt up. No problem, except that as dress went down and skirt actually went down too and there I was with no skirt or dress on, but only a (thankfully) longish shirt that covered my ass. I was so shocked that my changing plan had failed and that I was staring at my naked legs with no pants or skirt that I gasp, and there was my humiliating moment. Yes, universe. You got me. The four people in the class all stopped looked at me with shocked expressions as I laughed and apologized and pulled up my skirt. So much for grace.....