Friday, August 10, 2012

Love Yourself, You're All You've Got

Last night before I went to bed I wrote "I love you" right in between my boobs. In ball point pen. And then I giggled. Today I didn't take a shower all day. I went clothes shopping and every time I took off my shirt there it was to remind me. In garbled writing, half faded, there it was, a little reminder that, Oh, yeah, I  love myself so stop with the fat comments.

I need reminders that Queenpin is okay. I'm still a little bit of a mess with the quitting smoking and the Ex-Sweet Escape. I have days like that. Weepy, emotional, things-just-don't-feel-right kind of days, and I can't always explain what is causing this discomfort. It's just a funky day. On those days I try to be nice to myself and being nice to myself has taken some pretty funny turns lately.

These are the ways that I've been nice to myself: kissing my shoulder, talking myself down in French accent, writing in between my boobs, and buying cute dresses instead of elastic waist old lady pants to deal with my new non-smoking figure. You know normal everyday stuff. I am trying to just love myself through this time when I am struggling out of my cocoon. Who do the butterflies have but their own instincts to talk them through their transformation? Those babies don't have anyone but themselves to get them through their struggle, but they don't guzzle a bottle of wine, eat a pound cake, and start smoking again, they just do what needs to be done to survive and to thrive.

Savior Single Mama and I have been cracking up at my silliness, but it seems to be working. The other night I was on her porch putting myself down about something. Ranting about some personal flaw or other and in the middle of the rant I turned my head and, completely unconsciously, kissed my shoulder. Then I continued on the rant until Savior Single Mama, eyes wide, said, "Wait, HOLD UP. Did you just kiss yourself?" And then I had to acknowledge that yes, my subconscious was doing something I have such a hard time doing. She was being sweet to me. Savior Single Mama and I laughed and laughed over that one. But it was such a tender thing it really touched my heart. It made me feel so whole to know I have this caring part of myself that will stick up for the Queenpin, even against my worst enemy: me.

I do have the sense that I am healing and kind of settling in to this stage of my life where, just for today, things are uncomfortable and I am walking into the unknown. It's like I've just jumped out of a plane and my descent is going sooooooo SLOOOOOOOOW.  I guess sometimes faith is like that. We always talk about the jump, but what about the fall? The fulfillment of our faith isn't always immediate and then we have to wait and remind ourselves that, oh yeah I chose to make this leap.

Somedays my parachute (or wings if we are sticking with the butterfly metaphor) feels so securely on and I feel myself floating, flying, relishing this leap of faith I have taken. Other days I swear there are about 80 holes in those fuckers and I am free falling, floundering, and choking back a scream as I hurdle into the unknown. Then there are days that I just pray for a nap so I can get through a few more hours of this part without feeling or thinking.

This week I sat down to meditate twice. Finally, I sat and I focused on the breath, and I held my mala beads in my hands and I tried to just be. Another way that I am trying to be nice to myself. Another way I am trying to find peace. Another way I'm trying to pull myself out of this hole I've fallen into too (remember the Alice post? I think I'm still finding my way out of the rabbit hole).

I have an amazing family. I have kick ass friends. But they cannot make me love myself. This is something I must do all on my own. I've got to love myself, because this is it. This is my one deliciously, delicate, and short life, and I don't want to waste it being mean to me. I don't want to waste it waiting on someone else to make me beautiful or smart or whole. I've got to learn to love myself, because in the end, I'm all I've got. And when it comes down to it, that is pretty amazing.

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