I had a party last night, and after everyone was gone, Joe Cool, (a man I went out on a date with who just wasn't that into me) and I sat and talked for awhile. We sat and talked about writing, about art, somehow religion and facebook crept in there too. He left with a hug and a goodnight and it was perfect. I just love men. I don't always understand them, but I love them. I get something from having men friends that I don't get from women. With my women friends I talk about my inner self, mothering, my feelings, with men I talk about the larger world.
I have always had good men in my life. My dad was a great man, a kind man, a smart, and funny man. My brother is the same. For the most part my brother and I don't speak unless we see each other over vacations or holidays, but I just love him, and he loves me. He is like my dad, smart, kind, a lover of women, but not in that over the top, creepy way. He tells me like it is, and I really appreciate that. Over Thanksgiving we were laughing about my rebellious spirit, and he said that spirit was good, and he understood it, "...but you may find yourself one day, all alone, living in a basement." Don't you just love the straight forwardness of a man? I have very few girlfriends that would say that to me (Savior Single Mama would say it in a heart beat.)
When I was in my teens I ran with such a great pack of boys. I'm still in touch with one of them and our love for each other is simple and runs deep. When an older boy grabbed my boobs and then threatened me if I told anyone, my good friend stood up for me and threatened to kick his ass. For a 10 year old that was chivalry. Actually, at 38, it still is. We also grieved through a friend shooting himself. It sealed the deal. Friends for life.
I went through many years of my life being surrounded by great men, yet still harboring fear and mistrust of them. To have a man love me meant I had to be the victim of him, or he of me. Dating was drama, drama, drama. I don't know what caused that in me. Our culture? My tendency to dramatics?
When I got married to the wuzband (thank you Rent-a-Husband for spelling suggestion) I dropped a lot of my male friends. I was focusing on family, I also worked with mostly women, and I was respecting my wuzband's wariness of my male friends. During that time full of child-bearing and creating a home I needed to focus on building amazonian web of women.
When I got divorced from wuzband #2 I realized that my life was full of women and there were very few men. I missed them. The past year has been all about me reconnecting to that. I have my Rent-a-Husband who does things around the house for me, and teaches me how to do things. I have my first wuzband, A Metal Soul, who nourishes my creative self, reminds me who I am, and inspires me to think of what I can become. I have Joe Cool, who I just love to talk to about the creative process (that cat is on fire!). I work for a great young man. A true Renaissance man. Don't even get me started on the contractors I work with. Hahaha Southern men at their best.
When I'm at acupuncture school, oh my, the great men. All smart, hilarious, and soulful. I have learned so much about the larger world from them. I have learned what kind of man my son has the possibility of becoming and some tips on how to shape that.
From all of these men I've not only learn about mothering my boy, but I'm learning about myself. I've seen myself through their eyes and it has caused some self-reflection, and even more importantly a lot of self-acceptance. I like myself a lot when I see myself through their eyes.