Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I've Got a Lumpy Rug and a Swerving Car...Watch Out!

How did Don Coreloni go to church on Sundays, pray to his God, and send out orders that killed others? How did he align all of those things in his soul and live his life in peace? Maybe there was no peace and he liked it like that. I think he had perfected the power of excuse making and ignoring. Though this Queenpin hasn't been killing folks, she sure can make some excuses, and most of them involve her beasties. "I need to do this for them", I think to myself or tell anyone who will listen, "or that for them, or focus on this first", but I then I sweep all my own business under the rug. Well, babies, the Queenpin's rug is getting really fucking lumpy with all her shit under it.

This Queenpin did the Brave Girls workshop and it was a good thing. Art and self-reflection. You can't do much better than that, however, it left me with work to do. It showed me how out of alignment I am. When my car is out of alignment it shimmies and shakes, I have to work harder to keep it on the road. That is how I feel. I am working so hard just to stay between the yellow lines, yet there have been many times in my life when I have just set it on cruise control and let it ride. The funny thing is that it is when I am pushed to my limit I function at my best. At this time in my life, when I should be experiencing joy, peace, and rest I am struggling to see the miracles of life.

The Brave Girls workshop and my sweet, wise sister pushed me into therapy. I'm not crazy, not sobbing, not depressed, I'm just off. I feel like everything is out of whack and I can't quite get it back in gear. Before Brave Girls I kept thinking that I could wait to get my groove back. Once the kids were older, once summer came and I was off work, once I finally got 12 hours of sleep I would start taking care of me again. Doing all the self-reflection for Brave Girls made me realize I do not want to work so hard to keep this ole' Queenpin between the yellow lines. I can put it on cruise control again, but I'm gonna need some help to get there. Trying to make myself meditate wasn't working, trying to join a church, nope, doing yoga, hahaha, I can barely get my ass out of bed for work.

I haven't even done the last Brave Girls project yet, because it was about making promises to myself of ways to take care of me. I couldn't commit. I was afraid of making promises and then breaking them. Something I've been doing a lot lately. I promise dear Queenpin, I am going to start reading the book on qutting smoking. Nope. I promise dear Queenpin, I'm going to find days to go to the Buddhist center and pray. Nope. I promise to meditate three times a week. Try once a month baby. I promise to do yoga three times a week. Oh, girl, just stop promising because you're not gonna do it anyway. Sigh.

In comes therapy. I met the man yesterday and loved him right off. Harley Davidson riding, sleeved tattooed music therapist. Just my style. I'm gonna do this for me to get me back in line, get my wheels back in the road, and stop working so hard to keep it all together. Once I'm aligned it will all flow into place and my journey will continue to be the miracle it has always been, but I hope my eyes and my heart will be open to see it.