Thursday, May 24, 2012

I Can't Even Get Under Anyone Else

You know that saying, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else? I want to do that. I'm dying to do that. But the problem is I don't really want to do that, and then when I tried to throw myself into it, the man I chose to do it with didn't want to do it either. He was too tired from a recent breakup. He said he was tired. I said I felt too beat up. Really what kind of beginning is that? Hahaha. Reading back over that it sounds like we met in a nursing home.  Luckily, I was kindly, sweetly, ouchly told that nope, he did not want to date the Queenpin.

Jeez. Give the Queenpin a break, does my ego really need to be trimmed down this much, dear Committee? Obviously, it does. Obviously this woman has got to stew for a bit, and toughen up, and white knuckle it through this mother fucking breakup with my Sweet Escape.

I'm trying to do it different this time. My Sweet Escape and I have broken up so many times before, only to fall back into the same pattern weeks later. This time I swore it would be different. I burned or put up for sale the postcards I made him. I smudged all the jewelry he gave me with sage, but most of all I decided to try to find someone else. A rebound, or a man to get under, or a just a little something different. Something to break the tie that keeps me returning to this man that I cannot seem to get out of my heart and my mind.

And it was fun and tortuous at the same time. The first thing I did was join a dating site. That lasted two weeks, it actually made me physically ill to log on. I decided that wasn't for me. Then I met a man and asked him for coffee. It was fun, and he was nice. But here's the thing about me right now, I am in the most over the top of my over the topness. Maybe when you are in the Hulk-ness phase of your AFGO you should not date. This new man, he was just not that into me.

I guess it all returns to that Sweet Escape shaped hole, that is really a God shaped hole in my soul. So far the things that have NOT filled it are:

potato chips and dip
dating sites
texting, phone calls, and date with Mr. He's Not That Into Me
TJ Maxx
wine and Killian's Red
blogging (obsessive checking of my stats -- my deep dark secret)
Facebook (my most recent status update says Let's just skip all the BS. Validate me. And yes, I was completely serious when I posted it)

The worst thing I did after being ever so gently let down was text my Ex-Sweet Escape. That did not make it better and really was about as fun as tying myself to the back of a pickup and being dragged through a gravel pit and then jumping in a nice salt bath. Mmmmm-mmmmm good. Feel the burn. Yep that's my heart.

The funny thing is the main reason why I asked Mr. Not That Into Me to get coffee was that he was glowing from being single. From the joy of being on his own. I have been in that very place and it was such a delicious spot when I got there, however, after the break up with my Sweet Escape I feel too tired, too whipped, to do the work to get there. I think by asking that man out, I may have been attempting my own small attack of the body snatchers. Maybe I could suck that out of him and into me, in some Harry Potter, voodoo princess kind of way I could steal his Zen and make it mine (I know my mind is so scary when I share it. You should come on it for a peak. I only write about the tip of the iceberg).

I think the Universe is sick of me trying to avoid this lesson. I keep trying to say fuck it, but the damn Universe is determined. The Committee is listening to my prayer that I learn the lessons I need to learn from all this pain and confusion. The lesson that IT, that something I keep searching for, is all within me. These outside things will not fix my sense that something is not right. Only I can do that. From within. Friggin' growth.

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