Mr. He's Not That Into Me (who from here on out will be named Joe Cool)
emailed me about this song today. I thought it was perfect for this post.
Friday night I went to Savior Single Mama's house, that's a whole other post I'm gonna have to write about later, however, while we were sitting on her porch I shared with her the poem The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.
|Excuse me, Sir. Is that my self-worth |
I see in your teeth?
In the past I had always thought of this poem in relation to a partner. What I wanted from someone else. Who I wanted to spend my life with. Fortunately, an amazing man in my acupuncture class recently stood up and read the poem. After he read it he said, "This is what I strive for in myself." ......Damn evolved humans, they can kick you in the ovaries like no one else. I had never, ever thought of applying this poem to myself, which is a sure indication that I've been looking for someone else to fix IT. Oh you know IT, I've been writing about IT for weeks. It's kind of like Steven King's clown, but it lives in my soul and makes me think I'm not whole. Frigging clowns.
Anyway, back to the evolved man. He made me think....well, not actually at that moment. At that moment I thought that was all fine and good for him, but I was so in my heart break I did not give a shit about being a partner for myself or anyone else for that matter. I was in survival mode, but these days I think I've moved beyond survival and into Let-Me-Learn-the-Damn-Lesson-So-I-Can-Find-Some-Friggin'-Peace phase.
This new phase involves willingness and creativity and a little more energy (don't push it though, low expectations are the norm here). This phase might be a phase where you would read a poem to a friend, and realize you needed to read it to yourself, and possibly need to tattoo it in your soul, and try to live it FOR YOURSELF, not ask someone else to bring it to you on a silver platter wrapped up in good conversation and sexy talk. Nope, this time Queenpin, your Royal Highness of Heartbreak, you're gonna have to suck it up and send an invitation to yourself to be what you want. Bring in the clowns, but not the scary ones. I might just want to laugh while I'm evolving.
So here's the poem and a play by play of what I need to work on:
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Queenpin commentary in purple
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing Hello, to my blog, my collage, my acupuncture school. Yay, me, score one. I'm feeling good about this.
It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive Ugh, no...what would people think for heaven's sake?
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain Get off my back, I'm working on it
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
to remember the limitations of being human sigh....can a mother actually do this? Okay, I'm working on it
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
I want to know if you can
disappoint another to be true to yourself. I don't like it, but yes I can. I'm sure there are plenty of disappointed people to attest to this.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy I have to think about this one, it's a little deep for my Sweet Pea brain.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
And if you can source your own life
from it's presence I can silver line shit like nobody's business. It is the key to my success.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes." Maybe, let's see how my exams go
It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children. I can shout YES to this one!
It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
and not shrink back. I have to say, these days, I feel like I am standing in the fire, holding my own hand and trying to be brave. I still abandon myself sometimes, its a process.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away. I've got a long list of what doesn't sustain me. Time to see what does.
I want to know if you can be alone
and if you truly like to company you keep
in the empty moments. Hello, me, let's dance....