Sunday, September 25, 2011

A Letter to Myself

My therapist and I talked about anger last week. I used to have a friend that said if you don’t let anger out it will start coming out your neck. As in, it will come out in all sorts of strange ways. Maybe that’s what is happening to me. Why I cannot take care of myself. Why I can’t get back into meditating, can’t excerise, can’t quit smoking.

He suggested I write a letter to the ex. A letter I never send, you know those kinds of letters. The get scary honest ones. I added on to it and suggested adding my man to the list. My man that I’ve been on and off with for over a year. I called him my new passive aggression target. The funny thing is, when I started composing the letters in my head, the anger always came back to one person: me. The Queenpin. The head of this organization. The one who has made all decisions that have lead me to this point in my life. My good, sweet life, but a life that has had some serious heartache, and a little bit of struggle. My choices have gotten me on the path that I am on. The buck stops here baby, and sometimes that is fucking hard to take.

So I decided to write a letter to myself first before I wrote to anyone else. A letter of forgiveness and recognition. A letter to help me move forward. A letter to give myself a break, so maybe I can stop punishing myself passive aggressively and start honoring myself lovingly.  So here it is ladies and gentleman (there’s gotta be atleast one guy reading this blog) a letter to myself:

(Mother Mary's here as the most forgiving, patient mama I know. She's here to support me as I try to stop giving myself shit)

I forgive you girl, for always ignoring the signs, and choosing men that will cause you heartache,
I forgive you girl for treating your body less like a temple and more like a landfill,
I forgive you girl for making mistake, after mistake, after mistake,
I forgive you for being a human being,
I forgive you for being a spoiled, shrieking, banshee brat,
I forgive you for giving in, being a coward, not speaking up,
I forgive you for your dramatics,
I forgive your procrastination and disorganization, your never-ending need for chaos,
I forgive your imperfect mothering, your anger, your worry, your laziness,
I forgive you girl, I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you,

I love you girl for always getting back up and trying again,
I am amazed sweet girl, by your capacity to love, and your willingness to open your heart,
I respect you girl for making the best of things even when it looks, smells, and tastes like shit,
I honor you girl for doing your best, and admitting your mistakes,
I appreciate the creativity that explodes and flows into every crack of your life,
I see you loving your kids and doing your best, I see your fear, I see your faith, I see your fierce mama bear heart,
Be kind to yourself beautiful girl, courageous woman, searching soul

Rest, accept, appreciate, love, breathe,
Live this life, 
It is short, it is temporary, 
It is yours to do with as you wish.

The Queenpin


  1. You are a passionate, wondrous creature of the Multiverse! I am honored to know you.

  2. Thanks SheBear! Sometimes that passion wears me out. All I wanted to do this weekend was sleep. Tomorrow I plan to get productive and get my healin' on by starting my day with tai chi.