With all my growth lately I'm truly starting to feel like the She-Hulk. I am bursting, straining, exploding out of the confines of what was holding me back, and it's not just the quit smoking weight I've gained. I am becoming the woman I have always wanted to become; the woman I know that I am but have been afraid to step into. I am becoming a woman who does not need to apologize for who she is. This is me. I'm complicated, baby, I'm thick, I'm juicy, I'm mouthy, I'm furry. I will make no more apologies.
This week I have realized how much of my life I have spent apologizing for who I am. How many years I have spent either openly or internally whispering, crying, shouting, growling, "I'm sorry that this is the way that I am." The bitter taste of that sentence has eaten holes in my being, yet I have often felt that in this society I must be wrong and THEY must be right. Look at those other folks, they look happy so they must be right, I of course am wrong, because I feel lost on the inside.
|PUH - I spit on you, idea that others know better than I |
about how to live my one beautiful life.
I now know we all feel lost. No one knows the rules of life. Some people find comfort in conformity. That is how they find their peace, other folks find joy in rebellion. I wonder which one the Queenpin would fit in? HA! I bet you can guess.
The funny thing is, my mentor, that great man I always look to for wisdom on how to run my organization, the great Don, he was a conformist. He saw the importance of social conformity and used it to strengthen his organization. He used a lot of power to keep people and things towing the line as he saw it. But have you seen the damage that did to his kids? Holy moly, that group was a friggin' mess. In this instance I'm going to have to look beyond the Don and find some other mentors. He just doesn't understand the beauty in non-conformity. He would not like the idea of feeding the She-Hulk that is my soul these days.
I just saw The Avengers (big fan of super hero movies, sexy people saving the world - purrr). The Hulk character is so ashamed and afraid of his power. There is this shame he carries with him and wears like a lead coat. In the end of the movie he has learned to accept his power and use it for good with the help of the other Avengers. That's me. I am using the guidance of The Committee and the amazing wise ones in my life to accept my power and use it for good. It may not look the way you want, somedays I may be ugly and green, bursting out of my khaki pants and work shirt, but most days, baby, I'm gonna be that beautiful butterfly you see emerging from her chrysalis.
On this delicious Mother's Day morning I'm going to give my beasts and myself a gift. I'm going to un-apologize for who I am in hopes that by being true to myself I can teach them how to accept themselves exactly as they are.
- I'm not sorry for being overweight. I like my body, I like my curves, and my squish.
- I'm not sorry for being a sexual being. I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.
- I'm not sorry for being a sweet furry beast.
- I'm not sorry that mother fucker is my favorite curse word and I throw it around like a bouncy ball.
- I'm not sorry that I don't like bureaucracy. I think red tape is stupid and if I can get around it I will.
- I'm not sorry for my loud mouth and that I don't believe I need to dress up for church.
- I'm not sorry that I have choose men that don't fit the mold, but who have each taught me amazing lessons about myself.
- I'm not sorry that I'm a single mom. That my beasts are learning that family is what you make it.
- I'm not sorry that I feel things deeply, hotly, and then I move forward.
- I'm not sorry for being a bull-headed woman
- I'm not sorry for expressing my view of the world, which I can see from your reaction may be slightly different than yours.
I un-apologize to you. I am not sorry anymore for being me, Sassy Queenpin Mama