I have received some interesting feedback since my last post, and I even thought about taking it down, but I won't because....well, I think its because I'm stubborn. My mom texted me the day after to see if I about to flip over the edge and I said, "No, I'm fine, I've written about it and now I"m over it." That is the way this Queenpin is, it is the way my dad was. I feel intense pain, I spew, I move on, everyone else is left to clean the spew off themselves. It's a shitty way to be. I'm working on it.
The people most affected by this spew won't read it for years. They are my beasties, and someday they may read it, and they may wonder, like you, how could she even write that for people to read? So here it is, a letter to my little ones.
I love you. I love having you in my life, and I am so grateful for the gift of motherhood that somedays I feel my heart could burst with it.
Beastie boy, I love your quiet way, your freckled nose, and sweet smile, I even love your dramatic bursts of anger and frustration. I love your hand in mine and the way you punch me lightly in the butt to tell me you love me. I love how your brain works, boy, how you see things differently than me. I am amazed by your ability to build and see detail. So unlike your mama it makes us laugh. Your strong will amazes me because it is quiet and firm, I often don't see it coming until I run into it like an invisible wall and many times I end up laughing out of surprise. My quiet boy with a will of steel, you are delicious.
Beastie girl I love your sassiness, your amazing intuition, and those beautiful brown eyes full of mischief. I love the way your body curls around mine when I pick you up. I love how one eyebrow curls up and one curls down because that is so much like you, hot and cold baby girl. I love that you sing like your mama and wear spiderman capes. Little girl, you too have a will of steel, a loud, brassy, chutzpah kind of spirit, a spirit that could intimidate a lion, but a sweet soul that needs to curl up on me for sweet snuggles. My luscious, dramatic baby girl.
Boy and girl, my little beasts, I look at both of you and cannot believe that my body carried and created such beautiful, fiery creatures. It is rare that a day goes by that I do not feel so grateful for you and what you bring to my life. Last night before each of you went to bed I buried my face into your sweet hair and inhaled you like a cocaine addict. Sniffing up your essence to feed my tired mama self. So it seems I need you too. I am addicted to my love for you.
If you ever become a parent there will be moments you look at your life and think, "Holy shit, how did I get here? And who are those small people trashing my house?" and you might think, "I hate this." It's okay, my Beasties, I promise, because then the clouds will clear and you will recognize those small people as the children you love and you will think, "Ah, I know how I got here, I chose this crazy life." This is a good point to stop what you're doing, put on Otis Redding and dance in the kitchen with your own little beasties.
Dear Beasties, I have already screwed you up. There is no way around it. I don't mean to, but nobody leaves childhood unscathed. You can blame me for awhile for any and all suffering in your life, but then I hope you choose to move on and make your own life and to make it happy. In the end it is up to you, you'll have to learn to smile and shrug your shoulders at your crazy Queenpin Mama and be grateful when you get to home to your own house.
This letter is my apology to you for mama-ing you in such an imperfect way. You each came into this life a whole perfect person and then you got dealt cards that involved a Sassy Queenpin as your mama who can't help but make mistake after mistake. Even though motherhood kicks my ass all the time, I love you fiercely, madly, and worst of all humanly. I will always love you, but I won't always like it. You will always love me, but you won't always like it. We are a family, intertwined, yet each trying to carve out our piece of life's pie. Whether it is cherry, blueberry, or spinach, I am so grateful, little Beasts, that you are the ingredients that bring my life together and give it flavor.
Sassy Queenpin Mama