Life is actually really good. Things are looking up and my path is clearer everyday. I am so enamored of my beasts and so exhausted by them. This week I returned home from 50 hours of acupuncture clinicals. I hit the ground running with work and 2 sick beasts who seem to flourish during the day and cough all night. One or the other has ended up in my bed every night this week with coughing and kicking and sore throat and a back that needed to be rubbed and fevered head that need to be kissed. The Queenpin has not slept for shit. As I write this I have only had about 4 hours of sleep and it's going on midnight.
I started smoking a few weeks ago and sadly, my depression got much better. As soon as I lit up that smoke I started to feel so much more relaxed if not more stinky. I haven't quite figured out what I'm doing about this, so I've laid it out for The Committee. I've been putting lots on their table lately.
We're moving and that's a big deal. We have this delicious little neighborhood we live in and we're leaving it. We're moving a mile away, but it's time. My sweet mama has let me rent a house from her for 3 years, but the Queenpin is FINALLY feeling like she can stand on her own two feet so we've found a place just for us. My beasts and I. Our perfect little family. I am terrified and excited at the same time. Life is moving forward. I am not the half person I felt I was after the big DIVORCE. I have found my other half and man, is she hilarious and very fierce.
So now to dating. That topic is interesting, at least to me. I met a man online. It's the Beer Now? guy. He is such a great guy. We have good chemistry. Things are EASY. We laugh a lot, we enjoy each other, things are good, so I sent him off to date other people. I think I might be a nut, or maybe the sanest I've ever been. There seems to be such a thin line between the two.
When I was at school this month I sat with a friend and talked commitment and marriage. I just don't want it. Not right now for the commitment, not ever for the marriage. I just do not believe it is for me anymore. I am in love with the beginning. I am in love with first kisses. I am in love with sexual tension and flirting until you think you can't stand it anymore so you pull back and take a breath and start all over again. I'm 38 years old. I've been married twice, and in long term committed relationships since I was 19. Why not play the field a little? Except then there's a nice guy who I have chemistry with and I want to keep him in my life and play the field too. How will that work? Will he call me today after his date? Maybe, or maybe he'll choose this woman. I am refusing to act out of the fear of scarcity. The fear that if I live this life I will never find a partner. I am choosing to see this as an opportunity to redefine how I experience relationships. I'm not committing to someone out of fear. I'm standing my ground even if it means letting someone go.
This week I read a great blog post by Big Little Wolf's Daily Plate of Crazy, The Unbroken Heart; The Marriage Container; The Marriage Trap . She addresses much of what I have been thinking about with relationships. Things change once you get older and you've been divorced. Ideas of marriage, and commitment evolve for some of us into a new way of being. The standard did not work for us (or 50% of the population) so we redefine what does. It is also freeing and terrifying. Like moving to a new house, this new way of dating is a step into independence and the unknown.
Getting ready for bed tonight I shut off the lights before I got undressed, but I was at the opposite end of my room from my bed, which was a problem. I thought, "Oh shit. I know I'm going to step on something in the dark. I haven't unpacked from my week at school and shit is everywhere." And then I literally did a little dance as I removed my jeans, singing to myself, "Because it'ssssss, mmmmmyyyyyyyyy roooooom and I can throw my crap where ever IIIIIIIIIII waaaaannnntttt to." And then I crawled into bed all snuggled with my own self and began to write an update about my life, and my beasts, my dating misadventures, and my journey. My journey to live this life in a way that works just for me. My mom often shakes her head at me, smiles and says, "Honey, you sure make life hard." and I smile and say, "I know." because for me what is born from all this soul searching struggle is a beautiful rose, blooming from the root of my heart.