Nine months after my wasband left I dated a man for about a year and a half. I needed it. To be found attractive again, to go out on the town and have fun, and yes, to have a little support with the kids. Someone to talk things over with. The first nine months we were together he met my kids a few times, but I kept him separate fearing they would get attached and then we would break up. That did happen anyway, but I learned many lessons about dating. Some things I would repeat, others not so much. The best thing I learned is that my picker is not broken. This guy was a very nice man who was good with my kids, kind to me, but who didn't want commitment. I chose very carefully someone who I knew could not rip out my heart, stop on it, and flambe it up for hor dourves. Been there, done that, have two kids, and bad attitude enough to prove it.
Right now I am not pursuing anything with men, however available men do tend to make themselves...available. So my litmus test is, would I like to wake up to this man in my bed or would I rather be able to just fart in my bed in peace? After the wasband first left I was sad to sleep alone. The bed too big, the space to cold, the room too quiet, but this Queenpin has gotten used to having her bed all to herself, with an occasional beastie snuggled up for comfort. I like not worrying whether I stink or snore, I like sleeping with books and computer all piled on one side waiting for me to wake, reach over and devour one up. I like the quiet, peacefulness of my room, and yes, I like to fart like any Queenpin Mama can and not worry about offending a guest.
My old Buddhist teacher once said, "We say we don't have enough to give, but who puts on those limits? There is always more to give." I have found that to be true, but I have found that I don't want to give to a partner right now. I work full time and am in graduate school for acupuncture. This Queenpin Mama values her quiet time, her time to study, her time to clean. I value being able to leave dirty dishes in the sink overnight and most of all not having to take another person into consideration when I make decisions.
I am a linguistic learner, which means I learn by talking it out. That was a big change for me, having no sounding board. Queenpinship means finding a good network, so I've done that. I have such good mamas around. I call them up and say, "I need you to be my husband for a minute..." I'm working on adding some men into that realm to. Men that go home after a fine meal has been had, or something has been fixed. Men my kids can look up to, but don't influence our daily lives. Men that can teach my kids the things I can't do and their father won't do. Luckily, I have women around to do that too. One mama neighbor just built an exceptional chicken coop, another can do electrical work, another is the gardening queen.
As I sit an write this I am currently drinking coffee in my bed, while kids play upstairs (probably watching a movie) happily ignored by their Queenpin. There is so much room for me here to spread out and breath, even if the air is polluted by my own gaseous omissions. I don't think I'll be single forever, but for now it feels just so very right.