Thursday, November 18, 2010

Unanswerable Question

I am again at the point where I am wondering how to tell my kids their dad is broken. I do not talk bad about their dad in front of them. They know I get angry at him, but not because I rant and rave, but because of the tension in the room when we have to be near each other.

The wusband hasn't seen the kids in a week, hasn't called in five days. This morning my sweet four year old girl woke up crying "Daddy, daddy, daddy..." What do you say to those sweet tears? If the books are right, there's no way my kids aren't going to take his behavior personally. There's no way they aren't going to think it's their fault he's such a fuck up. How does a Queenpin do damage control?

I know how Don Corleone would do it, but I don't want to hurt the man...physically. I also don't want him to disappear. I just want him to be who he can't be, a dad. A person that understands what truly loving another being is. I want to teach my kids acceptance. That this is the way he is and its okay to love him as he is, but he will not change. It's not you, it's him. Really, beasties, it is. Look how freaking lovable you are. You'd have to be broken and damaged to walk away from two jewels like you.

I offer him up to the Buddhas, I offer his girlfriend up to the Buddhas. I imagine them being wrapped in loving arms and healed. That works for me (for a few minutes at least). What about my little ones, how do I let them know that this is not about them?

My daddy loved me. Sometimes I had to figure out his code for telling me he loved me, "Change your oil!" he would bellow about my car. In my daddy speak that was, "I love you". He hugged and kissed us too. He said the words, but most of all he was also THERE. Even when he didn't want to be. He stayed, and more than anything that was proof that he loved me, us. Anyone can say the words, but the actions show the truth. No one had to explain to me about Daddy love, so I've got no script to go from here.

I know the times without their dad are going to get longer. He is has been in and out of his other kids lives for years. Conveniently parenting when it suits him. I'm slowly coming up with the words to say to my sweet little ones, but when you're explaining about a dad who doesn't know how to love there are no words that will be right.

Maybe my lesson is acceptance too. There will be scars on my beasties from this. The Queenpin's job is to not make the wounds larger, and to be their healing salve. But there is no way to make their dad put them first. I will never be able to make it all right. Damn.

1 comment:

  1. Queenie. You just keep tellin those chillins that "daddy loves you but he cant be here right now"- they will figure it out. they will also take it up with him when the time is right. thats the kind osf stuff we have to give up to god like Nana would always say. They are so loved, by you- You are a great kapok tree with roots so deeply planted. you think you will break but you don't. those babies just need to be loved, it doesn't matter by whom. Just take them to that" change you oil" kind of love this weekend. chaos, crumbs and cousins. go off and have a smoke by the lake and call me- I am sending you some "change your underpants kind of love!!!"- Margy