Fired, laid off, let go, contract not renewed, fucked. No matter how you phrase it it feels like shit. Part of my heartache post last week was about being fired. My heart has been breaking since I found out my contract as a teacher is not going to be renewed next year. I had a friend who was recently laid off and when I saw her she was so sad and fragile. She had taken it so personally and I thought, " How could she, amazing, beautiful, smart, and dynamic woman, think it was about her?" Now I get it. Now I feel it and it is fucking brutal.
I have taught at an amazing school for 10 years. I have love, love, loved it. I love the energy of kids, I love my co-workers. I feel like I have grown up there. My sweet beasties go to school there. They come give me squeezes on the playground. Now we'll all be leaving. Me and the beasties will leave our sweet shelter and be thrown out to the world of public schools and the unemployment office. I know it is life, I know there could be worse, but my heart still breaks for losing my community and the fact that my kids won't grow up going to this school that teaches a child how to love learning, love others, and love themselves.
It feels like divorce all over again. The shock of it, the ache of it, the knowledge that in the end it may be the best thing, but right now, oh man, right now it hurts. The grieving begins, and I curl up and wait for it to be over.