Saturday, May 21, 2011

Madame Zoe Will See You Now

The last time I went to a psychic was a few months after the wusband left. I drove an hour away and the lady and I sat and smoked cigarettes and talked about what had been and what was to come. It was good for me and drove me a little crazy at the same time.

She told me things that grounded me. She told me my kids were going to be fine. She told me what they would be when they grew up. She told me a biker that I had known before was going to come into my life (that would be my man). She told me I was going to be surrounded by women, new women friends, who would support me. She told me I was going to be successful. Her words gave me something to hold onto when my life my spinning out of control.

What has driven me crazy about going to a psychic is the, "Is this it?" factor. The question that pops up every time something jiggles a memory of what she said. Is this what she was talking about? Still, almost 4 years later her predictions haunt me. She told me some things I didn't want to hear too and I wonder when they are going to happen. Or are they?

That's the thing about a psychic. You think it's probably bullshit, but you grasp onto the answers anyway because certainty seems such a gift. If she got somethings right, did she get everything right? Is everything already set in stone in my life, or do I have choices? I tell myself I have free will and nothing is set in stone, yet there are things she said that I can't forget or erase and they haunt me a little. I had said to myself I wouldn't go to another psychic, but then there was this tent at a music festival.....

It was a raining cats and dogs music festival. It was great. Me and the beasties and some friends all holed up in the kids' tent hanging out eating fair food and some of us were running wild (do I need to mention who?). It was yummy. I wasn't asking for trouble, but then me and the friends started talking about a business idea. I have to tell you the air was humming from our creative energy. One of the women got up and said, "I've been waiting all day to get my cards read," and off she went. When she returned she said, "You all have to go." Her eyes were wild with the fever of possibility. I let the other women go first, hoping that by the time they returned my time would be up and I would slip out having never seen they card reader. Nope. Each woman returned telling me, "You have to go, you have to go."

The tent stood in the middle of the festival. It was properly decorated with scarves, comfy chairs, a table and a couch. I had known the card reader since I was a child, but had never been around her in this capacity. I also hadn't seen her in years. She was tired, I was wet. We decide to do a quicky.

She started the quicky reading with, "You have been through a lot of struggle. A lot of really hard stuff." She paused, "A lot of struggles, but that's over now." She went on to say all these great things about me being pregnant with creativity about to burst forth. She told me a little about my man. We talked about my children. But mostly that statement, "That's over now" is what sticks in my head and I have been repeating it ever since. That's over now, the struggle is over.

I breath a sigh of relief when I say it. I say it as I am gearing up to take my wusband back to court (nope, not divorced yet). I say it as I talk to the principal of my sons' new school who treats me like an idiot. I say it as I try to decide how to handle being fired. I say it as I set boundaries with my man. I say it to ease my soul, because I am tired of the struggle. I don't want to fight anymore.

This morning I got up and made a collage called "Warrior". Is there a way to be a warrior, take care of yourself and your beasts, but not feel the struggle? Not create a bloodbath? What would the Don say? How did that man have the energy for all of this fighting, all of this standing up for yourself and your brood?

I put a picture of the protector Buddha on my collage, I wrote his mantra on the side OM VAJRA WIKI WITRANA SOHA. I'm sure he can be a fighter with peace in his soul. Maybe it just takes practice. I'm not good at this being fierce thing. It makes me uncomfortable and exhausts me, but I have been forced into it again and again. Ahhhh lesssons. We all know in life the struggle is not really going to end, so now I need to learn how to change the way I deal with the struggle. "That's over now" must mean I've got to learn how to tame the struggle from within. What a fucking bitch.

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